The Birthday Blog!

I may sound this way because it is a little late at night. I may sound this way because I have seen something I somehow relate to. I may sound this way because I remembered something from my past after something I read.

It was my birthday 2 days ago. I really didn't care much for it. But maybe because I knew it was my birthday, ordinary events leading up to that day felt like an epiphany after the other.

I was on my way to the metro station. Holding my second Kulfi, laughing about French grammar. It was almost careless, the laughter. Till I helped a blind man cross the road. From what I have heard my entire life, this gesture is supposed to make you happy and satisfied. All it left me with however was shock and grief. I don't know if you have felt it, that numbing sensation that sort of removes you from the world around. Gosh! I couldn't help but ask why was this happening that day.

My birthday, I spent my day in travelling to and from Agra. I was covering an election rally. A staged election rally, with the sun shining in my eyes for 3 hours. The crowd around me seemed all paid. RG gave his 10 minute speech after making us wait for 3 hours in the sun. He took out his neatly folded piece of paper and got the crowd holding forced banners and flags. Democracy failed for me that day, as the masses repeated practiced slogans and cheered not because they really understood what the really reason for a rally was supposed to be. Maybe it was just that horrid Congresses UP election version of Jai Ho! The last rally I went to had really lifted my spirits. It had convinced me that there was something right about our democracy till it came crashing down that day.

Everywhere I go, I see suffering and poverty and apathy. It makes me feel guilty for being privileged. It makes me feel guilty when I crib and because I am sad.

I read these two Status Messages todays, on gtalk of two of my friends. One of them has his birthday today. His reads " A soul in tension is learning to Fly ". Maybe he is in that state of mind too. But there is comfort there in the next SM " A sole intention is learning to fly ".

My soul does hurt. I just wanted my birthday to go by. It gave me so much to think about. But not a single solution. One of the major reasons I had accepted the Agra assignment that day, might just have been to escape. I just want to escape. But wanting to escape also makes me so guilty. Stupid convents I studied in told me to count my blessings. So now I am caught in this limbo. Shuttling at the speed of light between the want to just disappear to wanting to learn to fly.

I think I need that helping hand here. This is my birthday blog. A few epiphanies. I few dreams. With the really strong desire to escape and an equally compelling one asking me not to...

I think right now, I am just a soul in tension.

Take Care